Tips For Nestor and Kristina

With any luck, the Kirchners will be out of power in Argentina soon; they will be experiencing a drastic change in lifestyle. In the spirit of giving a hand to your fellow human beings when they are down, I would like to offer them some tips to ease the transition to their new life.

- Stock up on cigarettes. They’re as good as money (even better than the peso). They can get you better food, a better job, or get you out of a jam.

- For Nestor: if you drop the soap in the shower, leave it. Soap on a rope is a very good idea.

- For Kristina: if a broad who looks like an East German weight lifter with a mustache tries to “help” or "comfort" you, give her cigarettes and slowly back away.

- Remember that those guys who are dressed up like cops are not really cops; they are not like the Argentine Federal Police, so they will not fetch you pizza or shine your shoes. Do not give them orders and do not look them in the eye.

- Learn to talk low out of the side of your mouth, while not looking at the person you’re talking to. This keeps possibly controversial topics confidential.

- Form alliances, sort of like you did in politics. You will probably be in daily contact with Julio DeVido, Guillermo Moreno and other colleagues, so form a sort of “club” with them. It might be a good idea to get matching tattoos. Invite younger, beefier guys to join your “club” so you will be competitive in “sports”. Tattoos of penguins in flames might be cute.

- Learn new sports to match your new lifestyle. Basketball, weight lifting, wrestling and boxing would be good. Don’t worry too much about golf, swimming (maybe the occasional river swim would be doable) or polo. Nestor might want to consider pole dancing.

- This would be a good time to expand your horizons and maybe look at a second career. Study activities like tunneling, air conditioning duct work, home tattooing, or costume making.

- In order to liberate your mind, work on your modesty issues. Start by taking showers with a bunch of other guys or gals. Get used to taking a crap in public.

- Democratize your fashion sense (especially Kristina). Forget about your Italian and French outfits and get all your stuff from local sources. Learn to appreciate the solidarity of everyone dressing the same. Learn to do without lingerie, pajamas, jewelry, belts and shoe laces. Learn to love jump suits and flip flops. That E German broad might be able to get you a nice negligee in exchange for cigarettes; she might have something for Kristina too.

- Look forward to simplifying your diet. White bread, baloney, mashed potatoes and beans can be very enjoyable and filling. You can trade cigarettes for candy and cokes.

- Think about starting a new business. Once again cigarettes can be very helpful here; you can use them as startup capital for your pharmaceutical business, for example. Utilize your network: your “club” could also be your marketing organization.

- Don’t worry too much about international travel and vacations. Become a homebody.

- If you get down in the dumps, don’t forget you have a pharmaceutical business.

- If you are bored and listless, be sure to move around from time to time. Otherwise you might get a striped suntan.

- Get a hobby. Practice making useful items from spoons, Bic pens, mattress springs, bars of soap and shoe polish. Learn to make tasty liqueurs from canned peaches or molasses. This could develop into a second business.

I hope some of these tips will be helpful in your new situation. If they do not catch your fancy, maybe you should think about relocating to Venezuela immediately.